It’s that time of the week, y’all, when I mosey up to biggest and baddest in conspiracy theory, size ’em up, and brand them with humor. Then I run away, trying not to get gored.
Let’s see what’s shaking.
- This week, the big freak out was about DHS’s purchase of hollow point bullets. This has been brewing for a couple of weeks. The Intel Hub had a little flutter about the purchases and is apparently in the business of trying to scare the crap out of its readership. Take this, which I can only imagine Alexander Higgins wrote while weeping: “Fukushima Has Potential to Destroy the World and Our Civilization!” Keep it classy! Oh, also the USDA ordered some bullets too, but I can assure you those are to keep the delicious, delicious beef supply docile and compliant. Do you think that the USDA will open concentration camps like FEMA? What about US Fish and Wildlife, who also bought bullets?
- The US military is preparing for an alien attack. The only appropriate response to an interstellar species is, “I surrender.”
- As the bizarre campaign against GMO continues, people are surprised that Monsanto would take a dim view of a labeling campaign against them. We put warning labels on things that are shown to be worth warning you of. The problem is that we have not seen a single death caused by a GMO, a single sickness (aside from being stuffed!), nor any reason at all to think that GMO is inherently dangerous to consumers.
- Natural News is understandably miffed that Louisiana’s state medical board disapprove of witchdoctors.
- A Day in the Life of David Icke. He gives you a lesson, honestly, about doing your research before making claims about someone. Heheh.
- Oh, dear. The Illuminati and Masons are teaming up to rewrite the Word of God, which is of course Christian.
- Oh, Sheriff Joe Arpaio is just collapsing under the weight of his own inanity. He says he’s being strong-armed by Obama. It is the beginning of what, according to the Daily Show, will be known as MakeFunOfJoeArpaioGate. How do we get this crazy person, who is clearly unfit for public service, out of a position of power? Perhaps this is the first step, disbarring his crony? Also, roasting Arpaio has to be a fun gig!
- Area 51 museum opens! Curator denies it exists.
- Some fun Titanic conspiracy theories.
- Something is boring underground. This is part of the recent “mysterious boom” phenomenon, I think.
- Missouri sends another winner to Congress. This time it’s Vicki Hartzler, and she’s a birther. Oh, she’s also a birther flip-flopper.
- The guy who won the Masters? Shape-shifter.
- Tornadoes are targeting cities this year, it seems. Probably because of HAARP or something. (See the “HAARP rings” video at the bottom.)
- Well, it’s been confirmed on the Internet. We bombed Pearl Harbor in planes designed to look like Zeros. I guess that means we also simultaneously raided the ever-loving hell out of the Philippines at the same time using only American Nisei soldiers.
- According to the American Free Press, an SPLC-identified hate group/holocaust denier outfit, sheriffs have lost the power of arrest in Delaware. Of course, they are the only group reporting this, I mean, besides a bunch of Ron Paul sites.
- Is Obama a Russian agent?
- Not using your life? The movie list of fail, from FederalJack.
- The homosexuals have conquered Afghanistan!
- The Sovereign Citizens are having a freakout party about the coming mass arrests of the Illuminati and Bankers this month. Stay tuned!
- Ed Brayton comes across the gay Planned Parenthood Uganda anti-Christian AIDS genocide conspiracy.
- The truth of 9/11 will be Israel’s undoing. Muahahaha!
- Conspiracy theorists lash out at “hateful, condescending, maliciously derogatory” normal people.
- A Labour councillor declares his mother is a 9-foot tall, 8-fingered alien. I checked the date. Not an April Fool’s Day prank.
- David Icke: “Just because your colon is cleansed doesn’t mean you’re awake.” Can’t argue with that.
- Is Trayvon Martin’s dad a Mason? Who cares? I’m more worried about the NeoNazis in town. Of course, this was all planned from the beginning.
- You know who also had a Roswell? HITLER!!!!!1110101001101011
- Nazi elevators.
- Ron Paul redditor fantasizes about Ron Paul being some sort of martyr. These people live in fear, and I find that depressing.
- I strongly encourage Larry Silverstein to sue Veterans Today for defamation. This is not legal advice, only wishing out loud.
- Oh no! Greek concentration camps are going up! Will the guards look like this:
- The Breitbart Autopsy Has Been Completed/Deferred Until More Tests Come In!
- The morons at FoxNews floated a conspiracy theory this week that Obama sought to have Chelsea Clinton murdered. I suspect that Osama bin Laden would say that when the President wants someone dead, that person gets put in the ground.
- Is Obama, an admitted black man, becoming an African dictator…IN AMERICA?! (Yeah, only the type who says he has to be elected when he thinks the mic is off!)
- Favorite headline: “Putin Confirms Russian Zombie Radiation Gun.”
- Conservatives distrust science. Apparently reality has a liberal bias.
- The IntelHub and Russia Today (actually, most news organizations consider RT to be state-run television, ironically for the freedom lovers who think that the media is merely an arm of the government/Illuminati/elite) report on a radioactive dump that is heading straight for a shelter for homeless blind kittens! If I’m doing my math right, the amount of water dumped is about one-114 trillionth of the volume of the ocean. I thought the radiation was already here, guys!
- New Ron Paul video game: “Ron Paul: Road to REVOLution.” In it, Ron Paul, wearing a plumber’s outfit, hordes gold coins.
- “Madonna’s New Age End Time Satanism…It Is Reappearing In These End Days. It Did Not Begin With The Super Bowl” You know, most Pulitzer-winning investigative reporting begins, “Before I was saved by the Lord….”
Twit of the Week:
President @BarackObama claims to be a Trekkie. But where’s the proof? Why won’t he release his fan fiction? — Conan O’Brien (@ConanOBrien)
Conspiracy Theory of the Week:
Well, that’s about all I can take this week folks. I have a backlog of conspiracy theories for you, but a lot of work to attend to in the near future. Also, my brother suckered someone into marrying him this weekend, and I need to write the best man’s toast. But I will keep my ear to the ground, don’t you worry.
By the way, I also write as “The Conspiracy Guy” for the CSICOP website. Visit me there for in-depth coverage of some of the major conspiracy theories. My latest is about the Denver International Airport.