TAPS paraMagazine, Part 2: TAPS the Ripper

May 30, 2011

Yesterday, I began my review of TAPS paraMagazine. Today, I am going to discuss an article that has nothing to do with the paranormal but which illustrates why competent writing is so important.

The article on Jack the Ripper is credited to Rev. Jonathan Tapsell. The only information about the author is that he is from “London, England, Great Britain” (oh, that London, England). There is no other biographical information and no explanation of his title of “Rev.” My investigoogling turned up no more information, except that he is the author of Porn-Again Christian: One Englishman’s Startling Adventures in the UK Sex Trade! Having read the product description, I can’t figure out what the “Christian” part has to do with anything. Oh well.

The article’s description (which, to be fair, may not have been written by Tapsell) begins, “Jack the Ripper was the world’s first media serial killer.” Wow. Wait, what’s a “media serial killer”? Does he kill media? “Oh my God, stop stabbing that newspaper!” Is it media with a penchant for homicide? “Oh my God, that newspaper is stabbing prostitutes!” The blurb goes on to describe Jack the Ripper as a “shadowy figure whose scarlet tracings wreaked terror in Victorian London, and whose name conjures up dark, fear-filled foggy streets.” Nice alliteration. The phrase “scarlet tracings” may be borrowed from the book White Chappell, Scarlet Tracings by Iain Sinclair.

The article proper begins,

To this day experts on the Whitechapel murders (Ripperologists) disagree on the number of victims, but generally it is seen as five women, although according to some theories this figure could be higher. (p. 25)

This is a weak, awkwardly-worded opening that lacks context, but the problems with the writing are just beginning. When he begins considering suspects, Tapsell says,

From his official notes kept at the Public Records Office, Sir Melville Macnaughten [sic*] was quoted in the press during a later interview in 1894, stating that one suspect was a man called Cutbush….” (p. 26)

I’ve read and reread that sentence and still can’t make sense of it. Does the information come from Macnaghten’s notes or an interview? I assume it must have been from the report he wrote in 1894. According to Wikipedia, this report wasn’t publicly available until 1959; however, it seems that Frank Abberline, the detective who led the investigation, may have mentioned Macnaghten’s report in an interview. You’d never guess this from what Tapsell actually says. Tapsell then mentions that Macnaghten thought the most likely suspect was a man named Druitt:

Mr. M. J. Druitt, a doctor of about 41 years of age from a fairly good family, disappeared at the time of the Miller’s Court murder. His body was found floating in the Thames on 31st December….

Montague Druitt is one of the classic suspects. He was born in 1857, and would have been thirty-one at the time of the murders. Educated at Oxford, he soon went into teaching, and also practiced law as a barrister. (p. 26)

Are these two Druitts the same guy? On the one hand, their ages are different, they have different professions, and their names are not identical (M. J. versus Montague). On the other, could there have been two M. Druitt’s who were suspected of the murders and who both drowned in the Thames in 1888? The confusion over profession apparently came from Macnaghten, but Tapsell does nothing to clarify. The information he gives is very confusing.

He also mentions the work of “Laura Richards, a ‘pretty blonde’ who is the former Head of analysis for Scotland Yard’s Violent Crime Command.” I have no idea why “pretty blonde” is in quotation marks nor why her hair color and level of attractiveness are relevant to her position with Scotland yard or the validity of her work.

Tapsell’s own favored candidate is Francis Tumblety. After four whole paragraphs of discussion, Tapsell feels confident in concluding “Jack the Ripper died in St. Louis, Missouri in 1903 and is buried in Rochester, New York.” Case closed.

Or maybe not, as there is an “Editor’s Addendum,” five more paragraphs discussing another suspect. Presumably based on the Discovery Channel’s documentary “Jack the Ripper in America” (part 1 available here; critique of the show here), the addendum presents the investigative work of Ed Norris, radio host, former police officer and convicted felon, who believes that James Kelly was Jack the Ripper. The addendum doesn’t actually mention the Discovery program, but it seems fairly clear this where the information comes from. For instance, Roberts mentions that Kelly, after returning to Broadmore Asylum after a long absence, said he disliked “skanks.” According to the Oxford English Dictionary, “skank,” meaning “A person (esp. a woman) regarded as unattractive, sleazy,sexually promiscuous, or immoral,” is slang of American origin which first appeared in 1967. However, in the documentary, Norris does say the notes on Kelly mentioned “sqanks,” although he does not provide a full context. It seems that “skank” may come from “skag,” which first appeared in the 1920s (Kelly returned to Broadmore in 1927). While no credit is given to the documentary, readers are invited to “Learn more about James Kelly on the web: http//www.casebook.org/suspects/jameskelly.html.” That site (minus the “www”) gives an unsourced but detailed timeline of the events of Kelly’s life; however, it does not include some of the information mentioned in the TAPS article (such as the “skank” reference).

So, there you have it: a poorly-written, confusing, badly-sourced article that makes a bold claim which the editor undercuts in a poorly written, badly-sourced addendum.

*Tapsell mispells the names of Macnaghten, Frank Abberline (he adds an extra “b”) and Patricia Cornwell (he also calls Cornwell an “author and pathologist.” Although she worked as a technical writer and computer analyst with the Office of the Chief Medical Examiner of Virginia, she was never a pathologist: her degree is in English). The proofreading in the magazine is quite appalling. Aside from spelling, punctuation and grammar errors, some information is simply missing. When discussing the man he believes committed the murders, Tapsell says, “Tumblety was arrested for–what was then punishable as misdemeanor–and prosecuted.” He doesn’t actually say what crime it was (it was “gross indecency“). In another article, a “Demonology F.A.Q.,” a sentence begins at the bottom of one column, but never concludes: “My functions include…investigating claims of paranormal activity, speaking to” That’s it. The next column begins a new paragraph: “I am on a committee that put on a conference for clergy and laity….”


This week in conspiracy (29 May 2011)

May 29, 2011

Ahoy! It’s been another week of insidious insidiousness, sneaky sneakiness and false flaggy false flagitude here at Skeptical Humanities. I have been gathering fears all week and am ready to regurgitate the best of them up at you. So get your raincoats and shovels!

  • It’s official! Congress has been alerted to the uninstitutionalized mentally ill:
This week in September 11:

Conspiracy Theory of the Week:

From the very busy goofball Alex Jones: “AAAAAAAH MOUSE POX!!!!!!!!

That’s it for now. Stay afraid!

RJB


Review of TAPS paraMagazine

May 29, 2011

From time to time, Bob and I buy and sometimes even read fringe publications. We use them to illustrate logical fallacies and (occasionally) sound critical thinking (no really, it happens occasionally). I was looking through some of the notes I’ve made on a couple of these publications and thought I might share them with you, gentle reader, lest you be tempted to pick up one of the magazines for your own reading pleasure.

Up first, TAPS paraMagazine (March/April 2010). Everyone’s favorite Ghost Hunters, Jason Hawes and Grant Wilson, are pictured next to the magazine’s name, but, aside from a paragraph or two on the “Founders” page (5), they seem to have little direct involvement in the magazine, although they, along with Steve Gonsalves, are listed as “senior staff.” Gonsalves is also listed as the Art Director.

(For a tl;dr capsule review, scroll to the end.)

So, okay, The Name: paraMagazine: who came up with that? Is it beyond a magazine? beside a magazine? I suspect they didn’t think that one through very carefully.

Overall, the magazine is rather self-serving and self-promoting: there are ads for TAPS-related events and products as well as stories (and a cartoon) that promote TAPS. Fair enough: TAPS is part of the title, after all. On Ghost Hunters, however, the members of TAPS argue that their method of investigation is scientific and even skeptical (wow, I can hear you cringing), so what else do they advertise in a magazine to which they attach their corporate name, individual names and likenesses? Well, on the inside cover, there is an advertisement for DVDs from Reality Films. Any conspiracy you can think of, Reality Films has a video about it: Lies & Deception: UFO’s [sic] & the Secret Agenda (What They Don’t Want You to Know); UFOs and Close Encounters (The Most Amazing Encounters of Alien Abductions, UFO Visitations and Government Cover Ups in History!); The Truth Injection (more new world order exposed; Swine Flu Conspiracy, New World Order, Totalitarianism, Financial meltdown, and more…); The Conspiracy to Rule the World: From 911 to the Illuminati; Angels, Demons & Freeemasons: The True Conspiracy (666, New World Order); Inside the Freemasons: The Grand Lodge Uncovered (Freemasons on Freemasons [is anyone else imagining the world’s worst porn?]); Secret Societies and the Global Conspiracy: The Ultimate Conspiracy 3 DVD Set! (Discover the Secret Origins of the Knights Templar, Fremasonry, The Bilderbergers, Serpent Cults, the Illuminati and MORE!).

Not sure about conspiracies, but you’d like to cure all illness and live forever? Well, there’s an advertisement for Covenant of Silence: The Secret of Immortality Revealed by Nicholas D. Collette:

All throughout history, elite secret societies have guarded the knowledge of how to manufacture the true “Elixir of Life”, which restores youth, prolongs life, cures disease, and opens the gateway to extraordinary psychic power…. After 12 years of researching these texts and experimenting in the lab, correct methods have been discovered which don’t involve the use of corrosive chemicals or dangerous acids…. Experience the power of the true Elixir of Life for yourself, and open the gateway to the paranormal!

So it turns out alchemy is true. Yay. I suppose this is mostly silly, but it is also potentially dangerous as it claims the Elixir can cure illness (though it apparently can’t cure dangling modifiers).

Perhaps it’s not fair to judge the magazine by its advertisers. So, let us look at the magazine itself.

The magazine is edited by Scotty Roberts, and his “From the Editor” is the reader’s first introduction to the prose one can expect from this periodical. If Scotty Moore ever took a creative writing class, he should sue his teacher. Heck, he should sue all his English teachers:

The Mag you now hold in your hands is the product of an evolution. It started as a big dream of its founders and went on to reality, coursing it’s way through the Pillars of Hercules of the business and creative process–the good, bad and ugly (p. 4, emphasis added).

He goes on to say that their goal is to become “the finest paranormal magazine on the market,[sic]  today.” They will accomplish this, in part, “[b]y offering a more journalistic approach.” You will note the apostrophe error I have bolded above, as well as the unnecessary comma. I feel a bit petty pointing these errors out, but the poor quality of the writing, punctuation and grammar are quite distracting. Glancing through my notes, I see that I have recorded at least 14 apostrophe errors. Every possible mistake you can make with apostrophe has been made: possessive “its” has been given an apostrophe; the contraction “it’s” lacks an apostrophe; non-possessive plurals have apostrophes; possessives lack them. Then there are the awkward attempts at rhetorical flourishes, as when Roberts imagines his magazine traveling through the Strait of Gibraltar for some reason.

One of the magazine’s more serious articles is called “The Resonance Factor: The Role of Vibration and Consciousness in The Infrastructure of Reality” by Larry Flaxman and Marie D. Jones. A better title might be, “She Blinded Me with SCHMIENCE!”  To be honest, I’m not quite sure what the authors are trying to say. They are taking real science that I suspect that they don’t really understand and trying to apply it to everything: ghosts, UFOs, The Secret, Bigfoot–everything. And it all has to do with resonance and vibrations and sound. Somehow resonance connects “Let there be light” and the Big Bang theory:

The term resonance really is much more encompassing than one might initially realize…. Judeo-Christian tradition refers to the Word as the first utterance of the Creator, from which all of creation sprang forth. Science points to the Big Bang as the explosive moment of the birth of our universe. (p. 9)

See? The article starts vague, and uses many weasel words and the weaselly passive: “some believe,” “is generally believed,” “studies have shown,” “may indeed be,” “may also work,” “research has shown.” You get the idea. Eventually, they discuss some real scholarly-sounding articles, but I’m not sure the quotes, which are probably taken out of context, actually have anything to do with what the authors of this article are saying. One of the experts they cite is Amit Goswami, who appeared in the film What the Bleep Do We Know!? In general, the article doesn’t make much sense; it is hard to understand, but it sounds all sciencey. Since most normal people can’t understand scholarly scientific articles (I include myself), the fact that it doesn’t make sense may actually lend it credibility to some readers (I do not include myself): they expect science to not make sense, so stuff that doesn’t make sense must be science.

An article about orbs (16-17) starts out more promisingly. For starters, the author, Rosemary Ellen Guiley, is actually a professional writer. The content of her works may be questionable, but she is a more competent writer than some of the other contributors. Secondly, she briefly gives rational explanations for the appearance of most orbs; however, eventually she says, “even the hardest skeptics acknowledge that at least a tiny percentage of orb photos cannot be explained” (17). I suppose this is technically true, but the implication seems to be that if these orbs haven’t been explained they are therefore inexplicable. Of course, this is not true: while we may not have sufficient information to formulate a firm explanation, we don’t have to assume that the explanation must therefore be ghosts or aliens or quantum energy farts. Naturally, Guiley isn’t content to say, “huh, we don’t know what that is. The video just isn’t clear enough.” No, she, citing Miceal Ledwith and Klaus Heinemann, authors of The Orb Project, suggests they might be “images of spirit manifestations, or emanations of spirits” (17). She also cites physicist William A. Tiller, another alumnus of What the Bleep, who suggests that orbs may indicate an “unfolding of ‘communications manifestation,'” whatever that may mean. In the end, Guiley concludes that “Orbs should not be dismissed outright. There may be much more behind them than we realize.” Or, you know, maybe there isn’t.

Stay tuned for “Review of TAPS paraMagazine, Part the Second,” in which we will encounter a new Jack the Ripper, who eviscerates the English language and dumps her entrails over her shoulder. We will also discover how a Ph.D. in medieval English literature makes one a qualified paranormal researcher.

tl;dr capsule review: One of the cats barfed on the magazine. A harsh assessment, but fair.

ES, with assistance from Mina the Cat (pictured below)


The Language of Pseudoscience

May 28, 2011

On April 20th, I was a guest on Inside the Black Box, a science-themed radio show produced at Georgia Tech. Well, they have archived the show, which makes me very happy, because now I get to hear myself speak, which as you can imagine is something I enjoy immensely! Also, I am dying to know if they kept in a calculus joke I made that they thought might be too dirty for the archives. I know! I can make calculus positively obscene!

The topic is “The Language of Pseudoscience” (mp3 file) and it draws on a course that I taught in the Fall of 2010.

RJB


This Week in Conspiracy (23 May 2011)

May 23, 2011

It’s been a helluva weekend for me, which you will all probably read about in Skeptical Inquirer one day. This episode of TWIC is a day late because I needed a little time to recover.

With that in mind, the improbable was par for the course in the world of conspiracy this week:

  • It’s always cool when you are doing this and you find yourself as part of the story. Here’s the Georgia Guidestones video from CBS Atlanta.
  • First off, We Are Change Atlanta and Architects and Engineers for 9/11 Truth co-hosted an event here in Atlanta, which is where I was this weekend. Here’s the promotional trailer:

This week in Osama bin Laden

Conspiracy Theory of the Week (+bonus extra conspiracy theory!)

Well, that’s it. I’ve had all I can bear this week. I’ll see you guys on the flip-flop.

RJB


I was on the TV! Kind of!

May 20, 2011

“Andy Warhol said that everyone gets 15 minutes of fame. Well, with the coming of high speed processors and fiber optics, we’ve gotten that down to .15 millisecond…”

“I dawned upon Atlanta today. Unfortunately, Atlanta is on the arctic circle, and it’s the winter solstice…”

“Wait, was that me? I couldn’t tell. I didn’t get a good enough look…”

Just some of the possible ways I could have started this post. Yep, I was on the TV for like 6 seconds. (Shakes my head.) I am actually glad that I pause and stutter when I speak because because it, like, doubled my face time. It was an interview about the Georgia Guidestones. The interview was about 20 minutes or so.

Here’s the online link. And whatever you do…don’t blink:

RJB


The Week in Conspiracy, 14 May 2011

May 15, 2011

I’ve been working on a special post that requires a little research on my part (hey, it’s MY vacation, I’ll spend it how I want), but I’ve still been collecting the conspiracies that have sloshed across my desk. In a bucket.

If you want to see how altered the images from Cinderella are, check this out. Note that the Harry or William or whatever’s jacket might not be as altered as the bright areas suggest, as red is saved differently by different programs.

This week in Osama bin Laden:

“Bin Laden is NOT dead. Or is he? In the mind of the people who didn’t make the effort to investigate the details of the events of September 11, 2001, the recent announcement of Bin Laden’s death was an understandable relief. Bin Laden is most probably not alive today, but he is not dead. Confused yet? Great. Read on because it’s only starting.”

Conspiracy Theory of the Week:


Ghost Hunters Slash Fic. Really.

May 10, 2011

Yeah. It’s come to this. Writing about Ghost Hunters slash-fic. The “slash” does not mean that they finally met a ghost who was capable of carving them up. (Man, I’d totally record that episode.) It is a pairing of two characters in a TV show or movie and then making them have sex with each other. Want Kermit and Miss Piggy to get it on? Think that Shaggy and Scooby could build a relationship on something more than Scooby-Snax? Hell, you could even have Marge Simpson do it with the Church Lady. The possibilities are endless, and with your imagination and access to the Internet you can not only make it happen but also traumatize strangers!

But Ghost Hunters? Really? Yeah.

It feels like Jason is looming over him, menacing and Grant gets the strangest feeling that Jason is pissed, maybe wants to hurt him, and he tries to get a hold of himself, because it’s just Jason. His friend. He’s pissed, yeah, but not at him. Grant forgets, and takes another deep breath and holds it for a second even though that means they’re pressed against each other again. He lets it out slowly and he doesn’t think, he just does what feels right, and melts back against the wall and lets his head tilt to the side. And Jason just sort of goes with him, pressing him back and nosing at his cheek, a touch so soft Grant barely feels it. Jason whispers, “Grant” and sighs, and Grant thinks Jason is smelling his neck.

Two words: Neck odor. Sexy!

The comments are even better:

“ever since i started watching ghost hunters, i’ve always wanted to write some jason/grant. they are just too in love. <3333333”

But equally, no, even more disturbing is Tango/Steve fic (from Tango’s POV):

It’s too easy just to lean a little closer, brushing my mouth against his. One of us pushes harder, adding more pressure. I’m not sure which of us did it, but then Steve is kissing me hard, pushing me back until my back bumps up against a wall. His hands flit around me, either unsure of where to settle or unable to decide which part of me to hold on to.

His neck. Grab his neck with both hands and squeeze hard.

Of course, if you are gunning for actual throw-up, I recommend dwelling on the idea behind this image. In the end, they both look a little too much like Nintendo characters for me to take too seriously.

But the depths of hell can be only reached when you tag along with the boys from Paranormal State:

“Can I say, ‘I love you’ without implying that I want to marry you and bear your children through weird future-science?” Sergey panted mindlessly as he felt the squishy flesh giving at the back of Ryan’s throat to accommodate his member.

And this makes me wonder….is there Deadliest Catch slash fic? Dirty Jobs slash (gag) fic (“This time Barsky has to shave more than his head…”; aka, “Splendor in the Pooh”)? 60 Minutes slash fic?

There. I’m pretty sure I’ve hurt you. You’re welcome.

RJB


Pitch the Perfect History Channel Show

May 10, 2011

So, I’ve been thinking about the History Channel (or the “History” Channel or the Pseudo-History Channel) and wondering if I could come up with the perfect History Channel show. I suppose it would probably be a reality show featuring mostly unpleasant people doing dangerous and/or stupid things and arguing a lot. But I’m thinking about shows that involve actual history (or “history”). Among the shows listed on the website are such gems as:

I am only including shows listed on the website which have “about the show” information available. I’m not including History International.

A couple of other shows are listed which I hadn’t seen before. First is Brad Meltzer’s Decoded. I watched the episode on the Georgia Guidestones to see what it was about. Well, it’s awkward, with way too much time spent on shots of the investigators giving each other looks when they are interviewing someone. I haven’t quite figured out the relevance of the investigators’ qualifications: one’s a lawyer, one’s an engineer, and one is a journalist described as an “English professor.”  When they get to the guidestones and see all the languages, the English professor whips out his phone and Googles to see what the languages are. Really? Really? That’s your research? You wait until you get there and then start Googling? Not to mention he’s Googling information that is provided at the monument.

During the investigation, they interview various people and uncover various conspiracy theories: evil Rosicrucians planning genocide and using mind control and other occult gifts; good Rosicrucians warning us of global catastrophe. Occasionally Meltzer pops up in the studio like a deus ex machina and dismisses a particular theory (spoiler alert: Rosicrucians aren’t evil). And in the end, he puts the guidestones into the context of the Cold War, when they were built. His explanation is one of the least loopy; however, he does give a certain amount of credence to some of the theories (catastrophic solar flares! asteroids! 2012! Mayans!). Based on the one episode I’ve seen, it’s a conspiracy theory show for people who aren’t quite Jesse Ventura/Alex Jones crazy.

And then there’s MysteryQuest. Again, I was willing to sit through one episode. The episode I chose is called “Return of the Amityville Horror.”

I wasn’t encouraged by the opening, which summarized the story of the Amityville Horror without so much as mentioning the possibility that it was a hoax. Also, someone was bibbling about demons and vortices. But, while I was banging my head against the desk, I saw something out of the corner of my eye: did that bespectacled bald man have a Radfordian look to him? Why yes, that’s Ben Radford, well-known paranormal investigator and skeptic. It was at this moment that my often absent and frequently drunk spirit guide Sir Percival Piddlestew smacked me on the head and showed me a psychic vision: “Ben Radford’s point of view will get short-shrift.” If you don’t believe I made this prediction, ask Bob. (Spoiler alert 2–James Randi owes me a cool million).

So, is the Amityville house still (or again, or for the first time) haunted? Nope, it’s fine. Apparently the ghosts and demons and assorted paranormal whatnot have packed up and moved across the country to Wolfe Manor in Clovis, CA. What the supposed haunting at Amityville has to do with the supposed haunting at Wolfe Manor, I have no idea, unless it be the terrifying Ghost of Marketing come to call.

The investigative team includes a paranormal investigator and a demonologist joined by a medium and a scientist/engineer who makes ghost-hunting gadgets. No Ben Radford. The owner of Wolfe Manor shows them a picture of what could be a ghost or a demon:

Personally, I think it’s a velociraptor in ceremonial robes, possibly a reptilian mason. Or the Egyptian god Horus. Pareidolia‘s fun. As for the investigation, if you’ve ever seen Ghost Hunters, or Ghost Adventures, or Ghost Lab, you might as well have seen this investigation, except that Ghost Hunters are paragons of skepticism compared to these people.

Once the investigation is over, they take their data to analyze at the scientist’s lab–which is also haunted. This is where Radford comes in. There is security video of a desk chair rotating and a cubicle wall falling down on the same night six hours apart. Radford investigates that, and comes up with possible natural explanations. The scientist agrees that these explanations are plausible or would be, if both events hadn’t occurred during the same night. That’s it. Radford isn’t part of the main investigation, and he doesn’t get to comment on the practices used by the team. The team goes on to investigate the lab/warehouse. Upshot: at both locations there are “heat anomalies.” At Wolfe Manor, there is a possible vortex. They aren’t sure if the lab is haunted, but Wolfe Manor definitely is.

So, here’s your challenge: come up with the perfect idea for a History Channel show. Include title and description, if the spirit moves you. Try to incorporate as many of the following as possible:

  • Nostradamus
  • 2012
  • Mayans
  • DOOM!
  • Ancient aliens
  • Lost civilizations
  • Bigfoot
  • Freemasons
  • Reptilians
  • Illuminati

And anything else you can think of. Extra points if you can work in Hitler somewhere (nostalgia for the days when the History Channel was the Hitler Channel).

Grand prize: one shiny new Internets!


The week in conspiracy (Mother’s Day Edition)

May 8, 2011

What a week! Anyway, on with the conspiracies.

Michael Shermer finds that Donald Trump’s birth certificate is a “layered” fake. Not to be confused with a layer cake.

Take the wit and wisdom of Alex Jones with you wherever you go with the Alex Jones quote generator.

Plowed Clouds reports that HAARP closed down its website, apparently realizing that they had been blowing all of their war- and weather-inducing schemes by publishing them to a website. I simply do not believe that The Age of Reason is one of her favorite books. Do read the list of her favorite sites, btw. Wow.

Why is MUFON covering up alien encounters? asks one man a year and a half ago.

Hack writer (look at the last paragraph) Nick Redfern speculates about the men in black. They are Satanic aliens who are somehow associated with Ouija boards.

If GMOs are so safe, why don’t the Obamas eat it? asks someone with unparalleled access to shit they just made up.

According to the Fortean Times (heheh), conspiracy theorists are more likely to want to be part of a conspiracy.

Perhaps HAARP is responsible for whale beachings? Sure. Why not? Makes earthquakes. Controls the weather. Messes with dolphins’ brains. HAARP is like a swiss army knife of terror.

The powers that be intend to split the country in two along the New Madrid fault line, which appears to RUN THE LENGTH OF THE MISSISSIPPI!

New in the FBI Vault: the Ox-Files–cattle mutilation records.

Someone with access to We Are Change L.A.’s website follow invisible alien hiding in a hollow mooner David Icke. Not inspiring confidence, boys. The stuff about the satanic pope is almost insignificant by comparison.

A proposal to tax people who drive the most sends technophobes into a tizzy. Of course, it seems the proposal would only track how far someone drove, not, you know, relay their information to a directed energy weapon satellite in orbit.

A new spin on the expanding Earth theory: the core of the planet is spinning out of control. I’ll by that. If it’s spinning, there is certainly nothing we can do about it!

Seth Mnookin pointed me to Andrew Wakefield’s descent into abject goofery.

Messenger discovers (smiley) faces on Mercury!

Here’s a weird little article, and I don’t exactly know what to make of it yet: “President Ahmadinejad cohorts accused of using sorcery.”

It’s hard to know where to file “False Flags: An American Tradition,” so I file it here.

Is the alien menace perhaps more menacing to those with negative blood types?

I just like the title: “Ancient Mayans Endorse Tim Tebow as Denver Broncos Starter and Other Suspect Suppositions

Guy in alien costume film leaked!

Are conspiracies becoming a new religion?” dude asks.

And one for the ladies: Were UFOs seen in the ashcloud above Iceland’s volcano? No. Those were dragons.

Rush Limbaugh thinks that Obama is withholding FEMA aid from Texas because they are a red state. Of course, it’s high time that we broke Texas’ dependence on the federal teet.

The number of Birthers is down following the release of the birth certificate, says Rolling Stone. Remember when Obama released his birth certificate? Seems like years ago.

How will Chuck Baldwin run a presidential campaign from the moon?

Mitchell and Webb look at the Princess Di assassination:

Did you know that nothing hit the World Trade Center on 9/11? It was all just CGI. It just goes to show that if you can say something, it must be true.

This week in Osama bin Laden

Images from the compound where OBL was killed, if you flip through them to the bloody ones (and they are graphic), reveal that one of the men is lying on what appears to be a water pistol. I can’t wait to see the conspiracy theories that come out of that one.

THE OBL STORY HAS CRUMBLED! BY WHICH THEY DON’T MEAN OBL IS WALKING AMONG US, BUT THAT MINOR DETAILS ARE OCCASIONALLY CORRECTED!!!

ABC News reports that the “terror playbook” has been found. The NFL banned the fumblerooski because they knew it was a threat to our way of life.

HAHAHAHAHA! David Ray Griffin apparently describes himself as “Nobel Peace Prize nominee Dr. David Ray Griffin.” HAHAHA! Also, he thinks OBL died in 2001. Way to cite your own press release, asshat. Did you nominate yourself for that Nobel too? Haha!

Alternative media, reports the alternative media, has benefited from the Osama Bump. So, clearly alternative media orchestrated the fake assassination.

Daily Mail says that Zawahari may have been responsible for tipping off the US with this something-other-than-confidence inspiring opener: “Osama Bin Laden’s deputy led U.S. troops to the Al Qaeda leader’s hideout so he could take over the terrorist group, it was claimed today.” Damn you, passive voice!

Did Barack bin Obama take down the American flag at ground zero so he “lovingly drape” OBL’s coffin in it? Christ, it’s like the type of thing that Victoria Jackson would write.

Guy on web says that he saw the FoxNews ticker report the death of OBL days before it happened. Because his twitter stream is locked, I can’t check it.

Conspiracy theory of the week! A real humdinger!

Royal wedding or Illuminist fulfillment of biblical prophesy? A sample for your delectation:

Prince William and Kate Middleton demonstrated their blood lust and newfound birth into the Illuminati on April 29, 2011.[…] My suspicions were first aroused when I looked at the date of the wedding. The date is April 29, 2011. Or remove the april 2 and the 20 and you get 9, 11 or as the cabal who lead the new world order would say 9/11. Personally I watched this wedding so I know what the real deal is since it was broadcast live. My evidence that I have unearthed through my research fully supports my claim that Prince William and Kate Middleton sought the head of Bin Laden to be procured for them as a honeymoon gift from the Illuminati so they could baptise themselves into the Illuminati by drinking the blood of the innocent from the rotting skull of Bin Laden as a blood oath of allegiance and unswerving obedience to their overlords.

That’s all for now. In case you missed it, I appeared on the BBC World Service last week talking about conspiracy theories. Also, Ted Goertzel, with whom I’ll be appearing on a panel in October, was in the Washington Post discussing OBL conspiracy theories.

RJB