More OBL Conspiracies

I’ve been trying to keep up with the conspiracy theories this week, but they are coming so fast and furious 5 that I can hardly get to them all. Nonetheless they are fascinating, not only for their predictability (many of the same ones were repeated about Elvis, Hitler and Michael Jackson) and…utter inconsistency with one another. Usually clusters of correct ideas tend toward what actually is correct. This is narrative noise, as far as I can tell.

Let’s get at it, and may Shatner give me strength:

So, the first one is the funniest. By far. This is the conspiracy theory that the picture of the President and cabinet in the Situation Room during the raid was Photoshopped. I suspect that they may be on to something:

Do you notice how conspiracists in the consequent 8 pages of comments start to get into it? Sad. WHY CAN’T YOU SEE STARS IN THE PHOTO?!?

Striking similarities have emerged between the hunt for OBL and the trajectory of the Harry Potter series. (While not a CT, I think that it is part of the propensity to link unrelated things.)

A conspiracy theory from Alex Jones states that the CIA is employing theatrics to heighten the drama of the “Osama murder photo release,” you know. Of course, Obama has decided to seal the photos, so swing and a miss, Alex, m’boy. But there are real fake photos online, if you just can’t get enough gore.

Lew Rockwell describes the “doctored” Situation Room photo as a screening of a “snuff film.” He follows the post with the comment: “How telling is it to see the military guy sitting in the larger ‘running the meeting’ chair while Obama sits off to the side with Joe Biden?” Since you asked, not at all, you delusional twit. And by military guy, you mean “Brigadier General Marshall Webb, Assistant Commanding General, Joint Special Operations Command.” Notice how he’s a little too busy to “run a meeting.” Other groups are picking up this narrative, like Before It’s News, whose correspondent says that because we don’t have film of the firefight, everything is a lie, a non sequitur on steroids.

Scholars for 9/11 Truth and Justice (and the American Way) say that the DNA evidence will not be compelling.

We Are Change L.A. is citing Russia Today, a slightly worse source than the Weekly World News, to support their claim that the US is just getting rid of an old CIA asset. If you needed to see how reliable RT is, they had Alex Jones on.

A fascinating video has appeared on the prestigious YouTube that links OBL, a coming New Madrid earthquake, Mississippi River floods, a police crackdown at an Illinois college campus, and international nuclear terrorism.

Cindy Sheehan seems to have jumped the shark.

Paul Joseph Watson at Prison Planet sees the appeal for unity as a publicity stunt on Obama’s part. And then he talks about all sorts of other unrelated stuff. Of course his boss, Alex Jones, would never use the Osama death to promote himself. (Watch his introduction to himself.) Watson, by the way, describes the operation as a Jessica Lynch-style fable. And the Jones people, again, are throwing out a variety of different agendas whose ends are supposed to be served by an announcement of the death of OBL. It reminds me of the WTC 7 conspiracies. Pick an evildoer and run with it, man! Jeez.

I freaking love this story, how a group of undergrads predicted where bin Laden would be found. Down to the house. I remember the story when it broke a few years back and was wondering how they had done. But then William Gibson retweeted the follow-up. Heheh. Not a conspiracy theory, but fun.

Mexicans are, according to Alex Jones, taking the announcement of the death of bin Laden as an invitation to come up north. What, does he think he’s Lou Dobbs now?

That the story is unclear and shifting is proof that it never happened.

Presumably, bin Laden was shot to avoid proving every 9/11 nutter right. Damned wizards turning their giants into windmills!

Today Jones announces “US Official calls 9/11 and Osama bin Laden Death “Hoax“. OMG! Of course, since all he has to offer is that he is “prepared to testify in front of a grand jury how a top general told him directly that 9/11 was a false flag inside job,” and since by “official” Jones means, a guy who claims to have advised the Carter Administration, the chances of him getting to perjure himself are relatively remote. Oh, he’s also apparently a health crank on the side. Furthermore, the destroyed helicopter was apparently a super secret stealth helicopter (perhaps the type that is following Mel Gibson around in Conspiracy Theory?). Of course, there was that guy tweeting about their stealthlessness during the raid.

[Update! Turns out, according to Jane’s, the images of the helicopter that was left behind suggest that it is classified technology. I’ve also heard people talking about radar-frustrating skin.]

Pittsburgh Steeler Rashard Mendenhall should have his twitter account taken away from him for his own good. “We’ll never know what really happened,” he twat (the accepted past tense of the verb “to tweet”). “I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.” Good for you, mate! Nobody other than wackaloons say that happened. And you don’t get to suspend your judgment in ignorance and say, “We’ll never know.” Of course the crap we can know. Get off yer backside and do your homework! And go run laps.

The Kristian Krazies have refused to be silent about this. Worldview Weekend, who wants us, apparently, to just trust them, says Obama was not in charge of the operation that took down OBL. Presumably “they” are also forcing him to go to Ground Zero for the victory lap. Evolution News, which is apparently a thing, says that somehow, through junk DNA, Osama’s death proves evolution is false:

President Obama is said to have known the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden since September but chose to wait until May to authorize action against him. Why the delay? Could it perhaps have been to provide a super-timely news hook for the rollout of Jonathan Wells’ new book, The Myth of Junk DNA? If so, an additional note of congratulation is owed to Mr. Obama.

Shameless. Of course it’s not just our own domestic weirdos who have lost it, but also members of the Iranian Parliament (the original “No Spin Zone,” if I am not mistaken) have decried OBL as a Zionist puppet.

One man in the town where Osama was killed said that he can’t believe that the world’s most wanted man was living down the street. (snark)Of course, why should we care about this testimony when the Pakistani intelligence seems to not have been able to pick up bin Laden?(/snark)

The nuke conspiracy that was brewing a few days ago has become more clearly articulated, Underpants Gnome-style: “1- Create and Kill Patsy Bin Laden 2- Nuke a US City 3- Total Martial Law, 4- PROFIT!

Of course, everyone celebrates the death of Osama bin Laden in his own way:

And, finally, a hard-hitting CNN poll determined that most Americans believe that Osama bin Laden is now in hell.

Stay tuned! I’m sure we have not heard the end of this.


2 Responses to More OBL Conspiracies

  1. Roberto Libertario says:

    Wait to till people realize that UK Le Lee signed the Local Registrar’s line on Obama’s long form birth certificate.

  2. Dorff says:

    Shma. Wait till I prove that gravity is a hoax. See how much Old Sama means to you when you’re falling up!

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