I’ve been thinking of writing a blog post about runes. I’ve read some books in the Wicca/New Age/Runes-Iz-Magic! genre as well as some books by a scholar who actually knows what he’s talking about. The problem is that it’s all so terribly complicated. So I’ve been having second thoughts. What to do, what to do? How can I make such a momentous decision? I know, how about a free rune reading site? I asked the runes “Is my idea for a blog post a good one?” This is what they answered:
The Cross spread is used to plot the arc of your life and the forces acting on it. It is the most popular spread, giving a very complete view of the situation. Ice Runes are most commonly used for questions about struggle, conflict, and achievement.
The left rune represents an important element of the past. Gebo means gift, and like many gifts, the rune may be understood on many levels. Gifts are generally positive things, for both the giver and the recipient. In many cultures however, gifts and favors carry with them an obligation to respond in kind. It is for this reason that gifts, and hence the rune Gebo, are frequently symbolic of friendships, marriages, alliances, mergers, and other bonds between people or organizations. Gebo is a strong rune and the unions represented are strong as well. Moreover, Gebo is not reversible, as true friendships are not easily undone.
The middle rune represents a deciding element of the present. Ansuz is the spoken word of God. This rune is reversed, indicating that you are misunderstanding the divine voice or failing to hear it all. The word is always correct, so you must strive, whatever the difficulty, to hear correctly. Be wary of the advice you are given, for it may prove incorrect. Do not attribute infallibility to fallible sources…[ellipsis in original]
The top rune represents a force that works for you. Ken is the rune of light and knowledge, driving away darkness and ignorance and revealing hidden truth. This rune also brings forth images of friendship and comfort. Ken is the light of inspiration, the light of imagination, and a beacon in the darkest hours.
The bottom Rune represents a force that works against you. Isa is the rune symbolizing Ice – cold, stagnant, frozen, and unchanging. This rune suggests heat removed not just from anger or conflict, but from passion as well. Paradoxically, Isa conveys images of slippery slopes and unsure footing, but also of circumstances that have crystallized and become utterly immutable. Remember that in the cold north, ice is not just THE challenge to be overcome, but the very nature of the environment. Be courageous, for you work against this element every day. Will you fight alone or with others against this, our common foe? Is there much worse than lack of change?
The right rune represents the critical element of the future, at the core of the final outcome. Laguz is the most strongly feminine of runes, representing water. Deep sexuality is suggested by this rune. Through Laguz, water is seen as the ocean – vast, uncontrollable, ever-changing, and vital. When interpreted as the returning tide, Laguz can also predict the inevitable return from a long journey.
Sadly, that didn’t really help at all as I have no idea what the hell it’s supposed to mean. Apparently, I’m not paying attention to the divine voice (fair enough), but I’m “driving away darkness and ignorance and revealing hidden truth.” Also, there’s something about deeply sexy female water. Whatever.
Since I seem to be divinely/mystically challenged, I decided to go for the one-rune reading. Here’s the ultimate answer:
42
A Single rune is used to gain a quick insight into what drives the situation, or to reduce it to the most concise summary possible. Ice Runes are most commonly used for questions about struggle, conflict, and achievement.The rune represents the critical factor in the issue at hand. Ken is the rune of light and knowledge, driving away darkness and ignorance and revealing hidden truth. This rune also brings forth images of friendship and comfort. Ken is the light of inspiration, the light of imagination, and a beacon in the darkest hours.
Now that’s more like it. But wait, I actually own a set of runes! For some reason, it doesn’t have the f-rune, *fehu/feoh/fé, which means “cattle, property, wealth.” That sucks. Instead, I have two of the a/o-rune (depending on language/rune set) *Ansuz/oss/áss, which means “god” (singular of Æsir). I have arbitrarily made one of the *Ansuzes into a *fehu. Regardless, I dipped into my bag of runes and picked the w-rune, wynn, which means “joy.”
In short, in a few days, I will be happy to drive away the darkness and your ignorance of runes and reveal their hidden secret.**
ES
*The asterisk indicates that this is the reconstructed Germanic word.
**Spoiler alert: It’s a fricking alphabet!
Skeptical Humanities 
Ken is the rune of light and knowledge, driving away darkness and ignorance and revealing hidden truth. Ken is the light of inspiration, the light of imagination, and a beacon in the darkest hours.
I can get behind this. The rest of the site, not so much. The least they could do is something Eliza-like with the provided questions, to pull out some keywords and add them to the responses, but they don’t appear to be doing that. Of course the basic problem is you can’t do a cold reading without seeing the subject’s reactions, although getting a computer to recognize such subtle cues would be extremely difficult – it’s hard enough getting basic recognition of overexaggerated (melodramatic) facial expressions.