Oh hai. I iz Jesse, also known as Dr. Whitey-Cat, a very educated cat and new contributor to this thingy. Not only does I haz doctorate, I iz expert on homeopafee and iz member of teh Illuminati. I tellz you about dat later, if you iz good. I am here to appeal to the underrepresented skeptical feline demographic.
I haz sleeped on many grate books. I speshully liek Shakespeare and Chaucer. Dey iz just teh right size. I haz also sleeped on/rubbed against some very silly books. Recently I came across dis:
The Good Cat Spell Book by Gillian Kemp. I am sure she is very nice witch what loves her kittehs, but I fink she got into some bad catnip. Do ergot grow on ‘nip? Teh hole book is based on a faulty premise: cats iz magic, and by using dem in you spellz, you can harness der magic. See, cats IZ magic, but our magic iz a sooper seekrit. You no can haz our magic. You iznt magic. Also, she think you can find out stuff and do stuff using a kitteh, but here’s teh ting: we no care if you want to get you freak on wiff teh UPS guy. We lieks our hoomins; maybe we even wubs dem (maybe), but if it don’t affect us, we don’t care. Also, spellz to bond wif you cat? You no need spellz for dat; you need fish. Dats real magic!
Cats are believed to possess the power to bewitch people. (p. 1)
But people can bewitch cats, too. (p. 1)
A familiar is an animal companion who helps his person in their magical work. Your cat is your familiar because the pair of you loves each other. (p. 1)
If your cat haz speshul magic powrz, shouldn’t you be your cat’s familiar? Just sayin’. We iz NOT no one’s familiars.
As your familiar, bound to you by enduring love, your cat delivers your wishes. (p. 1)
Holy crap, I tink maybe I iz Teh Secret! But yes, we will fulfill your wishes if you wish to feed us, pet us, play with us, entertain us, do whatever we want, or get bited.
You and your cat’s patience and respect for each other will release and channel magic. (p. 1)
Yes, as a speesheez, cats iz known for our patience (I haz a sarcazm).
Cats of either sex symbolize the abundant, maternal essence we call upon for help. (p. 2)
???!!!11!!?? Look, lady, I may not haz any harbls (cuz teh ebil vet Dr. Mengele stoled dem when I was little itteh bitteh kitteh), but I iz sooper butch apex predator, and don’t you forget it! Don’t make me mount you (srsly, cuz I don’t want to make crazy kittens).
Cats’ eyes represent the clairvoyant eyes of inner intuition through which we see the truth to discover ourselves and our place in the world. (p. 2)
Inner intuition is way better than outer intuition.
If you look into their eyes you will see the true, clear sight of omniscience, the seed of divine knowing. (p. 2)
True. You may also see eye boogers, but don’t touch em: dey is omniscient eye boogers.
…[Y]ou can invoke the power of [Egyptian cat goddess] Bast to help protect your familiar from harm and to bring your cat a long and happy, healthy life in your care. (p. 2)
Oh, good. Go for it.
For thousands of years…the things [cats] have discarded from their own bodies have been used for magic. For some spells, you’ll need whiskers, milk teeth, fur, and claws that your cat has shed. Store them in a small “cat magic” trinket box until you require them for sorcery. (p. 3)
I already haz a “cat magic” box where I stores things I haz discarded from my own body. Help yourself.
Your familiar may be trying to tell you something through his behaviour, giving you clues you can follow to enhance your magic. (p. 3)
I AM trying to tell you sumfing: feed me, pet me, rub my belly, play wif me. When I perch on my food bin and howl in Siamese? A sooper subtile clue dat I has a hungry. I don’t give a hairball for your magic.
When your cat is lazing in a sunbeam, he may be trying…to tell you something or someone sunny is about to enter your life, to bring light and happiness to you. (p. 4)
Wow. Look, I iz a cat. I likes warm and I likes naps. Get your own sunbeam!
[Your cat's behavior tells you what to wish for:] Wish it if you want it. (p. 4)
See, I am Teh Secret!
She den gives some false eteemologees of “puss” (no is Egyptian) and “cautious” (no is related to “cattus”) and starts bibbling about the Egyptians:
Egyptian figures and paintings of the period show cats wearing earrings and jeweled collars, and thousands of mummified cats have been found in tombs and buried along the Nile. (p. 7)
Look, de Egyptians were great. Glad we domesticated dem. Did you know the pyramids was designed by cats, not aliens? Dey is artistic representations of the piles we make in our litter boxes. We didn’t bild teh pyramids, though. Phew, what a lotta work. But the Egyptians were teh original crazy cat ladies: see, we don’t like earrings; most of us don’t liek collars; and we HATE being sacrificed.
…[S]ince white cats often have one eye a different color from the other, they always have been considered magical and more capable than any other cat to predict good fortune. (p.10)
When I lived in a “foster home” wiff 200 cats (crazy cat lady), I knowed a Angora wif one green eye and one blue eye. He wasn’t dat speshul.
If your familiar is a white cat, it is believed you will have exceedingly good fortune your whole long life. Within twelve months after you acquire your white cat, someone in your close family will marry. (p. 10)
Nope. Why I care if your awkward second cousin finally caught a man?
A deaf white cat with blue eyes is said to be especially psychic because her impeded hearing is directed inward to her inner ear, psychic centre. (p. 10)
You no know what a inner ear is, do you?
And blue-eyed cats of any color are said to be especially magical because like blue sky over nighttime darkness, they symbolize divine eternity and immortality. (p. 10)
And white, blue-eyed cats who hear good and meow in Siamese iz the most bestest and most magicalest of all. Dat isn’t “believed” or “thought” or “said.” It’s teh truth.
You will have a male visitor if your cat washes his face with his right paw over his right ear. If he washes his face and left ear with his left paw, expect a female visitor. (p. 16)
lol. Do you know how many tiems a day we washes our faces (bof sides)? You must live in Grand Central Station!
Dere is a bunch of spells for tings cats don’t care about. Most of dese involve your cat and lit candles and sometimes burning stuff. Iz I the only one dat tinks dis is maybe a safety hazard? Den dere is spells dat encourage you to put lipstick on your cat’s pawsie to take his pawprint. You put lipstick on my pawsie, you hole house be coverd in pawprinz–bloody pawprinz!
After teh spellz comes “Felinodamancy: Cat Divination.” Here’s a example:
Seat your cat on your lap, and tell your familiar that you wish him to divine your future by answering a question…. Ask your familiar to respond by blinking once if the answer…is yes, twice for no. Alternatively, ask your familiar to purr an odd number of times for yes and an even number of times for no. (p. 62)
First, yu know how long we can go wifout blinking? Also, dats not how purring works. We purrz, den we go sleep. We don’t go “purr, no purr, purr, no purr, purr, no purr.” Unless you pet kitteh, he purrs; you stop pet, he stop; you pet kitteh, he purrs, etc. But den, you control how many tiems kitteh purrs and dats cheating.
To find out if you get wut you want, yu put treats in food bowl, den counts how many treats is left saying “I will get what I want” and “I will not get what I want” until “the last line spoken with the last treat gives you your answer.” I no care how many treats you put in my bowl, you will never get an answer. I leave no treats behind. I encourage yu to try though.
Dere iz a sekshun on reading your cat’s aura. I can see in teh dark; i no see no auras.
Den dere iz cat astrology.
If you have no idea of your cat’s day of birth, reading the following descriptions will help you determine whether your cat is ruled by an Air, Fire, Water, or Earth Sign, which in turn will help you deduce which is your cat’s most probable birth sign. (p. 75)
Dat seem kinda circular, but OK, we no know when my friend Gavin was borned.
But we fink maybe his sign is “Derp.” Anyways, we looked frough the descriptions and he fit every element and every sign and also he no fit every element and every sign. Weird. Dere is some real specific stuff though, like “Taurean cats have thick necks, a solid stature, and a particularly furry tuft between their ears” (p. 82). So, liek, no Siameses or Abyssinianses was born between April 20 and May 20?
In short, I give Teh Good Cat Spell Book dew claws down. I give it 2 whiskers (on a scale of alots of whiskers) because she lieks cats, but she no understand us. Here, haz some moar magic: