Ghost Hunters Slash Fic. Really.

May 10, 2011

Yeah. It’s come to this. Writing about Ghost Hunters slash-fic. The “slash” does not mean that they finally met a ghost who was capable of carving them up. (Man, I’d totally record that episode.) It is a pairing of two characters in a TV show or movie and then making them have sex with each other. Want Kermit and Miss Piggy to get it on? Think that Shaggy and Scooby could build a relationship on something more than Scooby-Snax? Hell, you could even have Marge Simpson do it with the Church Lady. The possibilities are endless, and with your imagination and access to the Internet you can not only make it happen but also traumatize strangers!

But Ghost Hunters? Really? Yeah.

It feels like Jason is looming over him, menacing and Grant gets the strangest feeling that Jason is pissed, maybe wants to hurt him, and he tries to get a hold of himself, because it’s just Jason. His friend. He’s pissed, yeah, but not at him. Grant forgets, and takes another deep breath and holds it for a second even though that means they’re pressed against each other again. He lets it out slowly and he doesn’t think, he just does what feels right, and melts back against the wall and lets his head tilt to the side. And Jason just sort of goes with him, pressing him back and nosing at his cheek, a touch so soft Grant barely feels it. Jason whispers, “Grant” and sighs, and Grant thinks Jason is smelling his neck.

Two words: Neck odor. Sexy!

The comments are even better:

“ever since i started watching ghost hunters, i’ve always wanted to write some jason/grant. they are just too in love. <3333333″

But equally, no, even more disturbing is Tango/Steve fic (from Tango’s POV):

It’s too easy just to lean a little closer, brushing my mouth against his. One of us pushes harder, adding more pressure. I’m not sure which of us did it, but then Steve is kissing me hard, pushing me back until my back bumps up against a wall. His hands flit around me, either unsure of where to settle or unable to decide which part of me to hold on to.

His neck. Grab his neck with both hands and squeeze hard.

Of course, if you are gunning for actual throw-up, I recommend dwelling on the idea behind this image. In the end, they both look a little too much like Nintendo characters for me to take too seriously.

But the depths of hell can be only reached when you tag along with the boys from Paranormal State:

“Can I say, ‘I love you’ without implying that I want to marry you and bear your children through weird future-science?” Sergey panted mindlessly as he felt the squishy flesh giving at the back of Ryan’s throat to accommodate his member.

And this makes me wonder….is there Deadliest Catch slash fic? Dirty Jobs slash (gag) fic (“This time Barsky has to shave more than his head…”; aka, “Splendor in the Pooh”)? 60 Minutes slash fic?

There. I’m pretty sure I’ve hurt you. You’re welcome.

RJB


Pitch the Perfect History Channel Show

May 10, 2011

So, I’ve been thinking about the History Channel (or the “History” Channel or the Pseudo-History Channel) and wondering if I could come up with the perfect History Channel show. I suppose it would probably be a reality show featuring mostly unpleasant people doing dangerous and/or stupid things and arguing a lot. But I’m thinking about shows that involve actual history (or “history”). Among the shows listed on the website are such gems as:

I am only including shows listed on the website which have “about the show” information available. I’m not including History International.

A couple of other shows are listed which I hadn’t seen before. First is Brad Meltzer’s Decoded. I watched the episode on the Georgia Guidestones to see what it was about. Well, it’s awkward, with way too much time spent on shots of the investigators giving each other looks when they are interviewing someone. I haven’t quite figured out the relevance of the investigators’ qualifications: one’s a lawyer, one’s an engineer, and one is a journalist described as an “English professor.”  When they get to the guidestones and see all the languages, the English professor whips out his phone and Googles to see what the languages are. Really? Really? That’s your research? You wait until you get there and then start Googling? Not to mention he’s Googling information that is provided at the monument.

During the investigation, they interview various people and uncover various conspiracy theories: evil Rosicrucians planning genocide and using mind control and other occult gifts; good Rosicrucians warning us of global catastrophe. Occasionally Meltzer pops up in the studio like a deus ex machina and dismisses a particular theory (spoiler alert: Rosicrucians aren’t evil). And in the end, he puts the guidestones into the context of the Cold War, when they were built. His explanation is one of the least loopy; however, he does give a certain amount of credence to some of the theories (catastrophic solar flares! asteroids! 2012! Mayans!). Based on the one episode I’ve seen, it’s a conspiracy theory show for people who aren’t quite Jesse Ventura/Alex Jones crazy.

And then there’s MysteryQuest. Again, I was willing to sit through one episode. The episode I chose is called “Return of the Amityville Horror.”

I wasn’t encouraged by the opening, which summarized the story of the Amityville Horror without so much as mentioning the possibility that it was a hoax. Also, someone was bibbling about demons and vortices. But, while I was banging my head against the desk, I saw something out of the corner of my eye: did that bespectacled bald man have a Radfordian look to him? Why yes, that’s Ben Radford, well-known paranormal investigator and skeptic. It was at this moment that my often absent and frequently drunk spirit guide Sir Percival Piddlestew smacked me on the head and showed me a psychic vision: “Ben Radford’s point of view will get short-shrift.” If you don’t believe I made this prediction, ask Bob. (Spoiler alert 2–James Randi owes me a cool million).

So, is the Amityville house still (or again, or for the first time) haunted? Nope, it’s fine. Apparently the ghosts and demons and assorted paranormal whatnot have packed up and moved across the country to Wolfe Manor in Clovis, CA. What the supposed haunting at Amityville has to do with the supposed haunting at Wolfe Manor, I have no idea, unless it be the terrifying Ghost of Marketing come to call.

The investigative team includes a paranormal investigator and a demonologist joined by a medium and a scientist/engineer who makes ghost-hunting gadgets. No Ben Radford. The owner of Wolfe Manor shows them a picture of what could be a ghost or a demon:

Personally, I think it’s a velociraptor in ceremonial robes, possibly a reptilian mason. Or the Egyptian god Horus. Pareidolia‘s fun. As for the investigation, if you’ve ever seen Ghost Hunters, or Ghost Adventures, or Ghost Lab, you might as well have seen this investigation, except that Ghost Hunters are paragons of skepticism compared to these people.

Once the investigation is over, they take their data to analyze at the scientist’s lab–which is also haunted. This is where Radford comes in. There is security video of a desk chair rotating and a cubicle wall falling down on the same night six hours apart. Radford investigates that, and comes up with possible natural explanations. The scientist agrees that these explanations are plausible or would be, if both events hadn’t occurred during the same night. That’s it. Radford isn’t part of the main investigation, and he doesn’t get to comment on the practices used by the team. The team goes on to investigate the lab/warehouse. Upshot: at both locations there are “heat anomalies.” At Wolfe Manor, there is a possible vortex. They aren’t sure if the lab is haunted, but Wolfe Manor definitely is.

So, here’s your challenge: come up with the perfect idea for a History Channel show. Include title and description, if the spirit moves you. Try to incorporate as many of the following as possible:

  • Nostradamus
  • 2012
  • Mayans
  • DOOM!
  • Ancient aliens
  • Lost civilizations
  • Bigfoot
  • Freemasons
  • Reptilians
  • Illuminati

And anything else you can think of. Extra points if you can work in Hitler somewhere (nostalgia for the days when the History Channel was the Hitler Channel).

Grand prize: one shiny new Internets!


The week in conspiracy (Mother’s Day Edition)

May 8, 2011

What a week! Anyway, on with the conspiracies.

Michael Shermer finds that Donald Trump’s birth certificate is a “layered” fake. Not to be confused with a layer cake.

Take the wit and wisdom of Alex Jones with you wherever you go with the Alex Jones quote generator.

Plowed Clouds reports that HAARP closed down its website, apparently realizing that they had been blowing all of their war- and weather-inducing schemes by publishing them to a website. I simply do not believe that The Age of Reason is one of her favorite books. Do read the list of her favorite sites, btw. Wow.

Why is MUFON covering up alien encounters? asks one man a year and a half ago.

Hack writer (look at the last paragraph) Nick Redfern speculates about the men in black. They are Satanic aliens who are somehow associated with Ouija boards.

If GMOs are so safe, why don’t the Obamas eat it? asks someone with unparalleled access to shit they just made up.

According to the Fortean Times (heheh), conspiracy theorists are more likely to want to be part of a conspiracy.

Perhaps HAARP is responsible for whale beachings? Sure. Why not? Makes earthquakes. Controls the weather. Messes with dolphins’ brains. HAARP is like a swiss army knife of terror.

The powers that be intend to split the country in two along the New Madrid fault line, which appears to RUN THE LENGTH OF THE MISSISSIPPI!

New in the FBI Vault: the Ox-Files–cattle mutilation records.

Someone with access to We Are Change L.A.’s website follow invisible alien hiding in a hollow mooner David Icke. Not inspiring confidence, boys. The stuff about the satanic pope is almost insignificant by comparison.

A proposal to tax people who drive the most sends technophobes into a tizzy. Of course, it seems the proposal would only track how far someone drove, not, you know, relay their information to a directed energy weapon satellite in orbit.

A new spin on the expanding Earth theory: the core of the planet is spinning out of control. I’ll by that. If it’s spinning, there is certainly nothing we can do about it!

Seth Mnookin pointed me to Andrew Wakefield’s descent into abject goofery.

Messenger discovers (smiley) faces on Mercury!

Here’s a weird little article, and I don’t exactly know what to make of it yet: “President Ahmadinejad cohorts accused of using sorcery.”

It’s hard to know where to file “False Flags: An American Tradition,” so I file it here.

Is the alien menace perhaps more menacing to those with negative blood types?

I just like the title: “Ancient Mayans Endorse Tim Tebow as Denver Broncos Starter and Other Suspect Suppositions

Guy in alien costume film leaked!

Are conspiracies becoming a new religion?” dude asks.

And one for the ladies: Were UFOs seen in the ashcloud above Iceland’s volcano? No. Those were dragons.

Rush Limbaugh thinks that Obama is withholding FEMA aid from Texas because they are a red state. Of course, it’s high time that we broke Texas’ dependence on the federal teet.

The number of Birthers is down following the release of the birth certificate, says Rolling Stone. Remember when Obama released his birth certificate? Seems like years ago.

How will Chuck Baldwin run a presidential campaign from the moon?

Mitchell and Webb look at the Princess Di assassination:

Did you know that nothing hit the World Trade Center on 9/11? It was all just CGI. It just goes to show that if you can say something, it must be true.

This week in Osama bin Laden

Images from the compound where OBL was killed, if you flip through them to the bloody ones (and they are graphic), reveal that one of the men is lying on what appears to be a water pistol. I can’t wait to see the conspiracy theories that come out of that one.

THE OBL STORY HAS CRUMBLED! BY WHICH THEY DON’T MEAN OBL IS WALKING AMONG US, BUT THAT MINOR DETAILS ARE OCCASIONALLY CORRECTED!!!

ABC News reports that the “terror playbook” has been found. The NFL banned the fumblerooski because they knew it was a threat to our way of life.

HAHAHAHAHA! David Ray Griffin apparently describes himself as “Nobel Peace Prize nominee Dr. David Ray Griffin.” HAHAHA! Also, he thinks OBL died in 2001. Way to cite your own press release, asshat. Did you nominate yourself for that Nobel too? Haha!

Alternative media, reports the alternative media, has benefited from the Osama Bump. So, clearly alternative media orchestrated the fake assassination.

Daily Mail says that Zawahari may have been responsible for tipping off the US with this something-other-than-confidence inspiring opener: “Osama Bin Laden’s deputy led U.S. troops to the Al Qaeda leader’s hideout so he could take over the terrorist group, it was claimed today.” Damn you, passive voice!

Did Barack bin Obama take down the American flag at ground zero so he “lovingly drape” OBL’s coffin in it? Christ, it’s like the type of thing that Victoria Jackson would write.

Guy on web says that he saw the FoxNews ticker report the death of OBL days before it happened. Because his twitter stream is locked, I can’t check it.

Conspiracy theory of the week! A real humdinger!

Royal wedding or Illuminist fulfillment of biblical prophesy? A sample for your delectation:

Prince William and Kate Middleton demonstrated their blood lust and newfound birth into the Illuminati on April 29, 2011.[…] My suspicions were first aroused when I looked at the date of the wedding. The date is April 29, 2011. Or remove the april 2 and the 20 and you get 9, 11 or as the cabal who lead the new world order would say 9/11. Personally I watched this wedding so I know what the real deal is since it was broadcast live. My evidence that I have unearthed through my research fully supports my claim that Prince William and Kate Middleton sought the head of Bin Laden to be procured for them as a honeymoon gift from the Illuminati so they could baptise themselves into the Illuminati by drinking the blood of the innocent from the rotting skull of Bin Laden as a blood oath of allegiance and unswerving obedience to their overlords.

That’s all for now. In case you missed it, I appeared on the BBC World Service last week talking about conspiracy theories. Also, Ted Goertzel, with whom I’ll be appearing on a panel in October, was in the Washington Post discussing OBL conspiracy theories.

RJB


OBL-la-di OBL-la-da…Life goes on…

May 6, 2011

It’s day three of the Osama bin Laden conspiracy theory watch here at Skeptical Humanities. It really has drowned out all other conspiracies this week, and it seems to have reawakened widespread interest in older theories regarding 9/11.

A number of insignificant tidbits have changed with respect to what happened in the Pakistani compound, none of which directly impacts the important part of the story, that OBL was killed. Nonetheless, suspicious types have claimed that this is “unraveling.” Global Research, a website I don’t understand, has
seized on this, and looks to Obama’s “atrocity” at Ground Zero (I don’t think they know what that word means) as, well, I’ll let them say it:

To add a grotesque and sickening final insult, the swaggering Barack Obama will grandstand atNew York’s Ground Zero, in a staged celebration of a fictional murder, on the hallowed ground where thousands of people actually died at the hands of theUSgovernment and its covert operatives.

Obama even invited George W. Bush to share his “victory lap”.

This act of exploitation will dispel all illusions about the criminal nature of this liar who has done Bush/Cheney one better by stooping even lower into the depths of depravity.

Personally, I liked the flight suit that Obama was wearing during the visit.

Ironically, Global Research thinks that Wag the Dog was a documentary.

Alex Jones’s little friend, who we’ll call Watson, says that the announcement from al Qaida that OBL is KIA comes from a “government contractor” who is a little Jew-ish (look for the delightful dragging of Jews into the story). However, Watson does not seem to recognize that the SITE Institute is not the original source, and that if they want to go to the jihadi websites that SITE monitors, they will find the statement themselves.

Also in the news is a document that a radical American cleric who is currently on the kill or capture list visited the Pentagon within 6 months of the 9/11 attacks. Notice how he was not on the kill or capture list at the time he visited. Of course if the 9/11 hijackers did not actually hijack anything, why is it important enough for Watson to mention that this guy preached to them?

In news abroad, a Cambridge poll finds that 2/3 of Pakistanis think that the man who was killed was not OBL.

If there was a raid and intelligence was seized, one would expect that information about potential attacks would be found and authorities alerted, right? I mean, I’d hope so. Nonetheless, Prison Planet interprets the fact that this is apparently happening as proof positive that “the government is exploiting the Osama death fantasy as an excuse to expand the police state grid in the United States and acclimate the populace to the presence of militarized cops and unconstitutional random searches in mass transit hubs.” Again, show me the evidence that your interpretation is correct, and I’ll change my mind. And I do not think that the word “grid” means what you think it means, either.

Jim Marrs, who is wrong about almost everything except his awesome hat-beard combination, thinks that Osama has been dead since 2001.

You can see where this goofy quip might go: Killing Osama bin Laden as an excuse to pass climate legislation.

Altmed ding-dong Dr. Steve R. Pieczenik continues to say that he has special inside information about the 9/11 “false flag” operation. He still hasn’t given us a feckin’ name of the “General under Wolfowitz,” which would either allow us to investigate the veracity of his claim or more likely get him sued retarded for libel. So, I have no reason yet to even take him seriously.

Snopes, which is awesome, reports on a rumor that OBL’s corpse washed ashore in India. Turns out he was in a weighted bag, and also it did not happen.

Ben Radford wonders why it is so difficult for people to accept that OBL is dead and notes the complexity of the stories they spin to support their almost certainly unfounded suspicions.

That’s what I have time for. I’m off to virtual drinking skeptically.

RJB


There. My eyes have rolled so far back they’re stuck.

May 5, 2011

The fact that someone would feel they had to ask and entertain the question of whether or not someone who is pursuing a career in the academy should blog is thoroughly depressing.

Also, Ivan Tribble can go fuck himself. Big-time.

kthxbai,

RJB


More OBL Conspiracies

May 5, 2011

I’ve been trying to keep up with the conspiracy theories this week, but they are coming so fast and furious 5 that I can hardly get to them all. Nonetheless they are fascinating, not only for their predictability (many of the same ones were repeated about Elvis, Hitler and Michael Jackson) and…utter inconsistency with one another. Usually clusters of correct ideas tend toward what actually is correct. This is narrative noise, as far as I can tell.

Let’s get at it, and may Shatner give me strength:

So, the first one is the funniest. By far. This is the conspiracy theory that the picture of the President and cabinet in the Situation Room during the raid was Photoshopped. I suspect that they may be on to something:


Do you notice how conspiracists in the consequent 8 pages of comments start to get into it? Sad. WHY CAN’T YOU SEE STARS IN THE PHOTO?!?

Striking similarities have emerged between the hunt for OBL and the trajectory of the Harry Potter series. (While not a CT, I think that it is part of the propensity to link unrelated things.)

A conspiracy theory from Alex Jones states that the CIA is employing theatrics to heighten the drama of the “Osama murder photo release,” you know. Of course, Obama has decided to seal the photos, so swing and a miss, Alex, m’boy. But there are real fake photos online, if you just can’t get enough gore.

Lew Rockwell describes the “doctored” Situation Room photo as a screening of a “snuff film.” He follows the post with the comment: “How telling is it to see the military guy sitting in the larger ‘running the meeting’ chair while Obama sits off to the side with Joe Biden?” Since you asked, not at all, you delusional twit. And by military guy, you mean “Brigadier General Marshall Webb, Assistant Commanding General, Joint Special Operations Command.” Notice how he’s a little too busy to “run a meeting.” Other groups are picking up this narrative, like Before It’s News, whose correspondent says that because we don’t have film of the firefight, everything is a lie, a non sequitur on steroids.

Scholars for 9/11 Truth and Justice (and the American Way) say that the DNA evidence will not be compelling.

We Are Change L.A. is citing Russia Today, a slightly worse source than the Weekly World News, to support their claim that the US is just getting rid of an old CIA asset. If you needed to see how reliable RT is, they had Alex Jones on.

A fascinating video has appeared on the prestigious YouTube that links OBL, a coming New Madrid earthquake, Mississippi River floods, a police crackdown at an Illinois college campus, and international nuclear terrorism.

Cindy Sheehan seems to have jumped the shark.

Paul Joseph Watson at Prison Planet sees the appeal for unity as a publicity stunt on Obama’s part. And then he talks about all sorts of other unrelated stuff. Of course his boss, Alex Jones, would never use the Osama death to promote himself. (Watch his introduction to himself.) Watson, by the way, describes the operation as a Jessica Lynch-style fable. And the Jones people, again, are throwing out a variety of different agendas whose ends are supposed to be served by an announcement of the death of OBL. It reminds me of the WTC 7 conspiracies. Pick an evildoer and run with it, man! Jeez.

I freaking love this story, how a group of undergrads predicted where bin Laden would be found. Down to the house. I remember the story when it broke a few years back and was wondering how they had done. But then William Gibson retweeted the follow-up. Heheh. Not a conspiracy theory, but fun.

Mexicans are, according to Alex Jones, taking the announcement of the death of bin Laden as an invitation to come up north. What, does he think he’s Lou Dobbs now?

That the story is unclear and shifting is proof that it never happened.

Presumably, bin Laden was shot to avoid proving every 9/11 nutter right. Damned wizards turning their giants into windmills!

Today Jones announces “US Official calls 9/11 and Osama bin Laden Death “Hoax“. OMG! Of course, since all he has to offer is that he is “prepared to testify in front of a grand jury how a top general told him directly that 9/11 was a false flag inside job,” and since by “official” Jones means, a guy who claims to have advised the Carter Administration, the chances of him getting to perjure himself are relatively remote. Oh, he’s also apparently a health crank on the side. Furthermore, the destroyed helicopter was apparently a super secret stealth helicopter (perhaps the type that is following Mel Gibson around in Conspiracy Theory?). Of course, there was that guy tweeting about their stealthlessness during the raid.

[Update! Turns out, according to Jane’s, the images of the helicopter that was left behind suggest that it is classified technology. I’ve also heard people talking about radar-frustrating skin.]

Pittsburgh Steeler Rashard Mendenhall should have his twitter account taken away from him for his own good. “We’ll never know what really happened,” he twat (the accepted past tense of the verb “to tweet”). “I just have a hard time believing a plane could take a skyscraper down demolition style.” Good for you, mate! Nobody other than wackaloons say that happened. And you don’t get to suspend your judgment in ignorance and say, “We’ll never know.” Of course the crap we can know. Get off yer backside and do your homework! And go run laps.

The Kristian Krazies have refused to be silent about this. Worldview Weekend, who wants us, apparently, to just trust them, says Obama was not in charge of the operation that took down OBL. Presumably “they” are also forcing him to go to Ground Zero for the victory lap. Evolution News, which is apparently a thing, says that somehow, through junk DNA, Osama’s death proves evolution is false:

President Obama is said to have known the whereabouts of Osama bin Laden since September but chose to wait until May to authorize action against him. Why the delay? Could it perhaps have been to provide a super-timely news hook for the rollout of Jonathan Wells’ new book, The Myth of Junk DNA? If so, an additional note of congratulation is owed to Mr. Obama.

Shameless. Of course it’s not just our own domestic weirdos who have lost it, but also members of the Iranian Parliament (the original “No Spin Zone,” if I am not mistaken) have decried OBL as a Zionist puppet.

One man in the town where Osama was killed said that he can’t believe that the world’s most wanted man was living down the street. (snark)Of course, why should we care about this testimony when the Pakistani intelligence seems to not have been able to pick up bin Laden?(/snark)

The nuke conspiracy that was brewing a few days ago has become more clearly articulated, Underpants Gnome-style: “1- Create and Kill Patsy Bin Laden 2- Nuke a US City 3- Total Martial Law, 4- PROFIT!

Of course, everyone celebrates the death of Osama bin Laden in his own way:

And, finally, a hard-hitting CNN poll determined that most Americans believe that Osama bin Laden is now in hell.

Stay tuned! I’m sure we have not heard the end of this.

RJB


Science Gone Berserk

May 3, 2011

Not long ago, I wrote about how the History Channel dealt with the Norse warriors known as berserks (spoiler alert–they dealt with it badly). More recently, Brian Dunning mentioned berserks in an episode of Skeptoid on feats of superhuman strength:

Such drugs [as PCP] have also been suggested to explain groups such as the Norse berserkers, a subset of Viking shock troops who fought like enraged wild animals, impervious to pain, and contemptuous of injury. Some researchers have suggested that berserkers may have taken hallucinogenic mushrooms before going into battle, as did Zulu warriors. Another theory states that they may have simply gotten really drunk, but this likely would have resulted in poorer performance in battle. It’s also possible that berserkers simply worked themselves up into a frenzy, and combined with the fight or flight response to the impending battle, did indeed gain heightened physical ability.

Berserks aren’t the focus of the episode, but Dunning covers the all the bases briefly: berserks may have taken magic mushrooms; they may have used another substance, such as alcohol (but probably not); or they may have achieved the frenzy without any mind-altering substances. The idea that berserks may have taken something seems to be pervasive, and the history of the idea is traceable and interesting. To a large extent, it has been scientists who have explored the “magic mushroom” theory. It turns out, when science gets involved in the humanities, science is not always right.

In Dunning’s “References and Further Reading” section, he lists an article called “On Going Berserk: A Neurochemical Inquiry” by Howard D. Fabing. This article was published in both The Scientific Monthly and The American Journal of Psychiatry in 1956. It is based on a paper Fabing presented at the annual meeting of the American Psychiatric Association. According to the author biography included in the article, Fabing was at the time of writing “in private practice of neurology and psychiatry.” Previously,

[he had] taught physiology and neurology at the University of Cincinnati. During World War II he was director of the School of Military Neuropsychiatry in the European Theater of Operations. His research activities have been in the fields of parkinsonism, narcolepsy, epilepsy, wartime blast concussion syndrome, shock therapies, and the neuro-chemistry of mental disorders.

Clearly, Fabing was eminently qualified to discuss neurological and psychiatric disorders. He was perhaps less qualified to discuss medieval Scandinavian history. He doesn’t directly quote a single primary document related to the Viking age, and indeed, it seems clear that he was not immediately familiar with the primary documents (many of which were available in translation in 1956, although often in that “ye olde” variety of English that no one ever spoke). He begins by giving the supposed legendary background of the berserks:

Berserk was a mighty hero in Norse mythology. Legend states that he was the grandson of the mythical eight-handed Starkadder. He was renowned for his consummate bravery and for the fury of his attack in battle. He had twelve sons who were his equals in courage. He never fought in armor but in his ber sark, which means “bearskin” in the Nordic languages. Thus the term berserk became synonymous with reckless courage. (232)

I was not familiar with a hero named Berserk. I have still not found him in any primary text. I have, however, found references to this story in nineteenth- and early twentieth-century re-tellings of Norse legendary material. For instance, the 1910 edition of the Encyclopedia Britannica gives the following information under the entry for “berserker:”

[I]n Scandinavian mythology, the name of the twelve sons of the hero Berserk, grandson of the eight-handed Starkadder and Alfhilde. Berserk was famed for the reckless fury with which he fought, always going into battle without armour. By the daughter of of King Swafurlam, whom he had killed, he had twelve sons who were his equal in bravery. In Old Norse berserer thus became synonymous with reckless courage, and was later applied to the bodyguards of several of the Scandinavian heroes.

Starkaðr, usually Anglicized either as Starkad or Starkadder, does appear in various primary texts. There are actually two of Starkads. One or the other or both appear briefly in the Poetic Edda, the Prose Edda, Heimskringla and a number of sagas. Starkad the Old plays a larger role in chapters 6-8 of Saxo Grammaticus’s Gesta Danorum (translation available here) and the extremely strange Gautreks saga. Neither Starkad has a grandson named Berserk in any of these works. I suspect that the origin of this story comes from Hervarar saga ok Heiðreks (The Saga of Hervor and Heidrek, translation available here). In the versions of Hervarar saga that I have seen, there is no character named Berserk. The berserk father of the twelve berserk sons is named Arngrim, and in most versions Starkad does not seem to be his grandfather. There are, however, several variant texts of the saga. In this short, strange version* of Hervarar saga, called Saga Heiðreks konúngs ens vitra (The Saga of King Heidrek the Wise) Starkad does indeed seem to be Arngrim’s grandfather, and Arngrim is called “Arngrímr berserkr” (Arngrim the berserk).

So, without citing a source, Fabing recounts a garbled version of one variant of one saga. As I said, it is clear he is not familiar with the primary texts and accepts conflated and sometimes inaccurate accounts in secondary sources. Later, he gives a description of berserks that is third-hand (“A vivid description of the behavior of the Viking hoodlums is given by Schübeler, who relied on the renowned Norse historian, Munch” 234). While this description contains a lot of the usual information, it includes symptoms that are less common: “This condition is said to have begun with shivering, chattering of the teeth, and chill in the body, and then the face swelled and changed its color” (234). These sound like medical symptoms, and they fit rather well with some of the symptoms he and other doctors have observed in patients who have taken or been given hallucinogens, but they are not common in the sagas.

Fabing goes on to note that

There is a fascinating theory that Berserksgang…may not have been a psychogenically determined habit pattern, but may rather have been the result of eating toxic mushrooms. This idea, fantastic though it may appear at first glance, has won general acceptance among Scandinavian scholars, according to Larsen. (232)

According to the endnote, this information comes from a personal communication from “H. Larsen, provost, University of Illinois.” The next note identifies him as Henning Larsen. Larsen was a professor of English who is listed as a consultant in the front matter of the Middle English Dictionary. He was also the president of the Society for the Advancement of Scandinavian Study. Several articles he wrote are listed in the MLA Bibliography. Still, it would have been nice if Fabing had cited some actual articles or books to show this “general acceptance.” The theory does not seem to be generally accepted among Norse scholars any more.

The reasons it is not widely accepted are clear from Fabing’s article. He notes that the mushroom Amanita muscaria, or fly agaric, has been “used orgiastically” by Siberian tribes. The practice was first described in 1730 (232). Notice that Siberia is not Scandinavia, and the eighteenth-century is not the Viking age. He describes the effects in some detail. Some of these effects fit with the berserker rage: “Prodigious feats of physical strength are reported to have been accomplished under its influence” (232).  Other effects would seem to be detrimental in battle: “Suddenly his eyes dilate, he begins to gesticulate convulsively, converses with persons whom he imagines he sees, sings, and dances” (W. Jochelsen qtd. in Fabing 233). Berserks would not have been effective warriors if they raged about fighting imaginary people.

One man who accidentally poisoned himself with hallucinogenic mushrooms suffered

explosive onset of diarrhea, profuse sweating, excessive salivation and vertigo. He fell asleep and wakened…completely disoriented, irrational and violent…. He did not react to deep pain stimulation, but responded to pinprick. He was disoriented in all three spheres…. He thought that he was in hell and identified the interne, nurses, and attending physicians as Christ, Satan, God or angels (Arthur Drew qtd. in Fabing 233)

Violence and imperviousness to pain fit with descriptions of berserks. Diarrhea, vertigo, disorientation and hallucinations would seem to be drawbacks for a warrior.

As Fabing points out, the theory that berserks used some sort of mind-altering substance originated in 1784 with Samuel Lorenzo Ødman, a Swedish theologian, who read the sagas (or at least some of the fornaldarsögur) and concluded:

I am not of the opinion that these ecstasies can be explained as effects of a peculiar temperament or of autosuggestion because…they were not able to keep up their hated arrogance between paroxyms. (qtd. in Fabing 234. Ellipsis in Fabing)

Now his logic here seems flawed: because the frenzy isn’t essentially permanent, it can’t be auto-suggestion. Obviously, this is not true. One could think of berserker rages as big-boy temper tantrums: awful, but fortunately temporary. Ødman goes on to suggest that berserks used some substance from “the vegetable kingdom,” but that they “kept it secret so that their prestige would not be reduced by the general populace’s knowledge of the simplicity of the technique” (qtd. in Fabing 234). Ah, yes, they kept it secret. That’s convenient. Of course, what isn’t quite being said here is that there is NO EVIDENCE that berserks used any substance to achieve the berserker rage: NO REFERENCES to any ritual consumption of mushrooms or anything else. But if you have a cool theory, there’s no reason you should let a lack of evidence hold you back: you just have to come up with an excuse for why it doesn’t exist.

Lacking any reference to berserks consuming mushrooms, Ødman turns to accounts of the tribes of eastern Siberia and finds corroborating information:

What in particular seems to me to argue for flugswamp [the delightful Swedish name for fly agaric] is the fact that to partake of it is a custom from that part of Asia from which the pagan god Odin, with his pantheon, made their migration to our North. … The history of the Berserks in our North begins with Odin’s coming. (qtd. in Fabing 235)

While it was difficult to identify the source for the story of Berserk, son of Starkadder, this bit of misinformation is easy to identify. In both the Prose Edda and Heimskringla, Snorri Sturluson euhemerizes the Norse gods, explaining that they were great men who came to be regarded as gods. He suggests that they originally came from Troy. After Virgil invented a nice history for Rome, many European lands came up with foundation myths centered on Troy. Snorri’s has about as much validity as any of the others (none whatsoever). But Snorri tosses in some completely bogus etymology as well: the gods were called Æsir because they came from Asia. Hector becomes Tror, which becomes Thor. I could go on. These etymologies are false.

So, to summarize Ødman’s argument: it is based on false assumptions; it has to explain away the complete lack of evidence; it relies on “historical” accounts that no one accepts. It doesn’t really look good for the magic mushroom theory.

It didn’t go away though. A century later, it was taken up by a Norwegian physician and botanist, F. C. Schübeler. Schübeler agreed with Ødman about pretty much everything, including the likely secrecy that surrounded the mushroom-eating. He considered other substances, but dismissed them as less likely culprits than fly agaric.

Fabing concludes by discussing his own observations. He had studied bufotenine, the active ingredient in a number of hallucinogenic mushrooms and plants (and toads). He injected healthy, mentally stable prisoners with bufotenine and recorded the results. He concludes that the effects are very similar to the berserker rage, which is odd because rage is noticeably absent from his descriptions. The subjects had hallucinations and their faces became purple, but they also became “relaxed and languid” and “lay contentedly in bed, feeling pleasantly relaxed” (236). These prisoners would make disastrously bad berserks. In addition to being supremely relaxed, they suffered from severely impaired spacial perception, and other side-effects that would again be problematic for a warrior.

The whole magic-mushroom theory is based on cherry-picking certain side effects of hallucinogens (the effects of bufotenine can vary drastically) and certain descriptions of berserks and ignoring the bits that don’t fit. More importantly, it depends on a flawed justification (that it couldn’t be auto-suggestion because the state is temporary) and false history. Oh, and also there is no evidence the berserks used any mind-altering substance to achieve the berserker rage!


*I’m not sure where this version comes from. Very little information is provided. There’s no manuscript reference. Googling the title in Icelandic or English just turns up a lot of hits for Christopher Tolkien’s edition/translation of Hervarar saga. Although he uses the name that is given to this version, this is not the text he is editing and translating.

ES

References:

Fabing, Howard D. “On Going Berserk: A Neurochemical Inquiry.” The Scientific Monthly 83 (Nov. 1956): 232-237.

King Gautrek. Seven Viking Romances. Tr. Hermann Pálsson and Paul Edwards. London: Penguin, 1985.

Saxo Grammaticus. Gesta Danorum.

Snorri Sturluson. Edda. Tr. and ed. Anthony Faulkes. London: Everyman, 1987.

Snorri Sturluson. Heimskringla or The Lives of the Norse Kings. Ed. Erling Monsen. Tr. Monsen and A. H. Smith. 1932 New York: Dover, 1990.


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